Archive for September, 2010

Typical Sean Rossman..

Posted: September 30, 2010 by Tim in Completely Pointless, General Annoyance
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Yeah Sean, I'm using this without permission...sue me

For any of you who know my dear friend Sean Rossman, you will know that he is almost impossible to get a hold of. He leads an incredibly busy life collecting trinkets, eating free ice cream, squinting at cameras, worshiping Bono and Bob Dylan, and “doing things”. I’ve learned throughout the years that you must book activities with him well in advance because of his insanely busy schedule. For example, I’ll text him at about 8am with something like: “wings later?” and I won’t expect a response back til about 6pm with a definitive answer. Its just what I’ve come to expect.

Now, you can’t always just come to expect something from this guy. On multiple occasions I’ve texted him during the afternoon, then get a text from him 2 days later with something like “hey man, I just got ur text i was sooooo busy, whats up tho?” Umm yeah that concert/phils game/beer special/etc is well over now, sorry. You lose. Then theres the classic day later response “hey man, saw ur text, put my phone down and got sooo busy and forgot lol”. You busy busy guy you.

Bob Dylan...Sean's idol

Finally, my favorite Seanism, you get the coveted day-after phone call; sean: “hey sorry I missed your call last night, what did you want” me: “oh we were grabbing dollar beers and going to see a U2 cover band, you shoulda came it was kickass”, sean: “OHHHHHHH man I’m a HUGE U2 fan why didn’t you guys call me?”, me: “umm we called you like 6 hours before we were going but you were being all convenient and not picking up the phone”, sean: “oohh so its my fault, you guys suck, blah blah blah”. Then he proceeds to get all bitter/self loathes for awhile/plays the victim card. He’s just your typical victim, all the time.

I grew a beard BEFORE it was cool and drink Lions Head

You will forever be known as “The Big Convenience” or more simply “Big C”. And to boot, you are the biggest hipster I know. You grew a beard back before anyone else was doing it, you wear 3D glasses because of the irony, you have new-age fun with a vintage feel, and you always pretend like you’re not trying…when you are. Douche. Anyway, no hard feelings Sean. You know I love you, but just answer your phone and I won’t blog about how much I hate you. Cheers, budday!

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I achieve this moment just about every morning on my walk from the train station to work. I usually encounter some individual(s) who are having a wayyy worse morning than me and it makes me feel better about myself. I realize that my problems are insignificant to the kinds of problems these people must have. They would probably trade lives with me in a second, because I don’t really have “problems” per-se, I just have issues.

I almost feel bad, because this would probably be an insult to the late Heath Ledger, however the woman I encountered this morning definitely has a horrid life that I do not care to imagine. Her face… well, lets just say it was eerily similar to the Joker from Dark Knight. She literally had a white painted on face, her lipstick appeared to have been drawn on by a monkey (literally, the Joker’s lipstick looks good compared to what she had going on), and her eyebrows were quite possibly finger-painted on by a blind 3-year old. I would have snapped a picture, but out of sheer terror I had to restrain myself. Perhaps if I see this train-wreck (yes, it was so bad yet so hard to look away) I will snap a picture for the viewers.

Til then…..I’m out.

Why won’t she just go away already? I’m tired of hearing here running her mouth about how she is “just like every other mom”. Give it up already. Real moms don’t appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, real moms don’t have their own reality tv shows, real moms don’t emotionally castrate their (former) husbands, real moms don’t abandon their children to walk down the red carpet at award shows, real moms don’t breed like dogs, real moms don’t leave their children to be raised by nannies and cameramen, real moms don’t get free tummy tucks and botox injections….for free, real moms aren’t shitty role models for their children, real moms don’t get free handouts for having 8 children, real moms aren’t conniving manipulative bitches who only care about themselves… this could go on forever.

Real moms are loving, caring individuals who would do anything for their children. Real moms struggle with everyday life, they have children, care for them, and sometimes try to lose that weight the normal way, dieting and exercise. They don’t get free handouts, don’t bash their ex-husbands in the media, they don’t play the victim card. Once again, this could go on forever.

I really am sick of hearing about her. Why is she even famous? Her hairstyle is so lesbionic, I don’t know how anyone would ever want to emulate this debauchery. This picture says it all. She is a heartless witch of a person who on the inside, has to be completely devoid of emotion. I admit, I watched the trainwreck of a TV series (back when she was still married) out of sheer curiosity. I hate Jon equally, but you can’t help but feel bad for him, yet at the same time, completely respect him. I don’t respect that he walked out on his children, but it was inevitable with the way she treated that dude. While he was at home, trying to be a good father, she was out getting free surgeries and living in her “15-minutes of fame” universe. Jon did the same thing, but like a complete badass. He’s out getting some young ass from different girls, driving around sportscars, and living the bachelor life again. He really deserves his own reality show “Jon Minus 9”. I’d probably watch that, provided I had cable TV.

Just please… for the love of GaGa….PLEASE GO AWAY!

Aaaand I’m out.

Does news really take this long to travel to this bum-fuck nation? They are STILL shooting people, burning American flags, and chanting “Death to America” in the streets of Kabul over the whole failed US Koran burning fiasco that didn’t even take place last week.

How the hell did they find out so quickly, yet they still don’t know that the whacko pastor called the whole thing off. I mean, they called it off what, 5 days ago? 5 days in America is like 40 weeks in Afghanistan apparently. Chill the fuck out and move on already. 80% of America has already forgotten about it and are on to the next thing. I think Lady Gaga’s meat dress and winning 8 VMAs pretty much made us forget about any redneck pastor in Shitsville, Florida burning your holiest of books.

And for real, Afghanistan.. get a new fucking chant already. “Death to America” and burning flags is so 2002. Come up with something new for a change. And another thing, its not the stone ages anymore.. encourage education, let women be educated, stop shooting people over stupid shit and create jobs so people aren’t all pissed off all the time because they have nothing else better to do with their time than chant “death to America” all day. Why else do you think the Taliban is thriving? Your main crop is opium for fucks sake. What do the children have to look forward to? Well, I can group up to be in the Taliban, a farmer, or police. Get with the program already.

And I’m out..

High fructose corn syrup.. aka the sugar that’s in just about everything you drink and possibly eat in MASS quantities is afraid that its getting a bad wrap over making people fat and worthless…and they are probably right. Whenever you look at an ingredients list whats the first thing you usually see? High fructose corn syrup. Look at how many grams of sugar is in that shit–see the connection?

So like any product suffering from a poor public image, they are taking the Chad Ochocinco approach–changing their name! Not to leave you all in suspense at this gripping, real-life-food-name-change drama story, the new name being proposed: Corn Syrup. That’s right, corn syrup. How the hell is this going to make a difference? Probably because Americans are so dumb that they will think its a ‘healthy’ syrup.

The link to the Yahoo article suggests that a name-change worked for ‘rapeseed oil’ in the past which is now, more aptly named ‘canola oil’.

Anyway, stay tuned America. Corn Syrup will probably be hitting food labels in the next two years. Trust me on this, the name change makes it 100% healthier!

Jesus Christ…what a month its been for bigotry and hatred. Wait, can I say Jesus Christ without offending some idiot somewhere? Ok…Holy Ice Skating Buddha! That’s better, he’s docile so he probably won’t be too offended.

So between the whole “controversy” over the proposed “mosque” being built at the “former” site of the “World Trade Center” a.k.a. “ground zero”–and Rev. McBearstache’s quest to burn copies of the Qur’an.. I think the US has reached new levels of intolerance and hatred reminiscent of the post-9/11 days. I use quotes while discussing this whole mosque scenario–because, in reality its a Muslim community center which happens to contain a Mosque, but guess what? All Muslim community centers have fucking Mosque’s in them!! Check it out yourself. Oh no, its run by a big scary Imam! THEY ALL ARE!! Oh no its going to be on the sacred holy ground of the World Trade Center! False. You could fit about 5 of those craters in the distance from ground zero to the proposed site. But whatever Faux News, keep spreading your bullshit as always.

I personally do not care about the whole NYC Mosque case– I’m sick of hearing about it, sick of the racism, sick of how nobody reads the facts and decides for themselves. I already made up my mind, maybe its because I went to college and don’t believe everything I read in the media. What if Rev Al Sharpton wanted to build a Christian church in the massive ground zero crater? Would anyone have a problem with that? (aka- do you like getting blowjobs/do you like giving blowjobs?) Now Donald Trump wants to come in and grab headlines as always— get a fucking life already. Moving on..

"I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man"

Pastor Terry Jones. Pictured to the right, aka the guy who wants to burn copies of the Qur’an in Florida for some God-fearing reason. He kind of reminds me of a cross between Hulk Hogan with that handlebar stache and a gay-bear/ leatherman. As comedic genius Doug Stanhope points out: “How many copies of the Koran do you think they can actually find in Bum-fuck Florida? It ain’t Harry Potter. They’d be lucky if they could light three cigarettes off of that fire.” Seriously though, do they even know what a book is in Florida? I’m assuming that as a Pastor, you’ve had to have read books in your lifetime. So tell me, Pastor. What does the Bible have to say about love, forgiveness, acceptance, etc.? What a fucking hack. Its kind of funny how the Muslim response to all of this is “Don’t burn our Qur’an…we’ll burn your Flag! Or your Bible–take that!”

The C.I.A. needs to concoct some fake child-molestation charges against this asshole like they did to the Wiki-leaks guy to discredit him completely. Put a bag over his head, throw him in a black van, and show him the Kennedy reel and say “this can be you if you don’t play ball with us”. But maybe its the intention of the corporate media to stir us back into an anti-Muslim fervor in order to gain support for invading Iran. Its going to happen eventually anyway, might as well try to shove another war down our collective throats. Shit, we haven’t invaded a new country in like 7 years anyway.

I’m out.. enjoy!

Oh boy, I feel like its the day before Christmas. Football season officially kicks off tomorrow night and I cannot wait, its my favorite time of the year. If you do not know about my gripe with the “voice of the Philadelphia sports fan”–please see my older posts. This is just an extension of said rant.. so hear goes!

Doucheturd’s official prediction for the Eagles 2010 campaign: 9-7. That’s quite an optimistic prediction from the son of Satan. “Kolb will be fine — better than Donovan McNabb”. I LOLed on the train at that one. No surprises there.
He also claims that Andy Reidhasn’t positioned his Eagles to exploit a soft, early schedule and he hasn’t developed an offensive line worthy of the talent surrounding it.” That still remains to be seen. With Stacy Andrews worthless ass being shipped to Seattle for a box of crackerjacks and a ham sandwich, I think the O-line is actually in good shape to protect Kolb and open some decent holes for Shady. The Andrews brothers were a $75 million dollar cancer that has finally been purged from our team.

Two question marks on the O-line. The play of LT Jason Peters* who had a sloppy season last year (and not to mention gets at least 2 holds a game in Madden’11), and how moving Nick Cole* to RG will play out with the addition of Reggie Wells* who we picked up last week. Otherwise, it looks like Todd Herremans* and Jamaal Jackson* should shore things up on the inside, provided that they are indeed healthy again. I have nothing but good hopes for RT Winston Justice* who has much improved over the years as well.
(*= indicates that doucheturd labeled them as a “worrisome….hodgepodge of mediocrities”.. and that they all “stink”) — For the Record.

Doucheturd then goes on to bitch about how we didn’t play our starters in the last pre-season game, leaving our players vulnerable to weaker teams earlier in the first half of the season (Detroit, Jacksonville, Washington, SF, and Tennessee). Yeah… like that matters. We’ll see how that plays out. Doucheturd predicts 9 victories, and another trip to the playoffs…barely.

Enough of doucher.. My prediction? 12-4. I’m thinking its going to be more-feared than last season’s 11-5 campaign, because the team is much different without McNabb and a young group of players. Solid season from Kolb, a few bumps in the road, but a we will win the games that we are supposed to win and cruise into the playoffs.

So stay tuned football fans — kickoff is right around the corner and I, for one, cannot wait!! Hey doucheturd: I’m gunning for the right to call myself “the voice of the REAL Philadelphia sports fan”. You don’t deserve it! Good Day!