Archive for June, 2011

NK v USA - Women's World Cup

What do you do when your country loses to your sworn enemy in a Women’s World Cup soccer match? Make up an excuse. That’s precisely what the coach of the North Korean women’s soccer team did Tuesday, as the United States defeated North Korea 2-0. Oh I should have mentioned, yes, there really is a Women’s World Cup.. Although judging from the picture, the North Korean players may be disguised as men? Unless widespread famine and malnourishment makes you look that ugly. But hey, maybe that’s the reason why they are so pissed off at the rest of the world in the first place? They are just told that women in North Korea are the most beautiful women in the world.

Anyway, coach Kwang Min Kim claimed that five unnamed players were struck by lightning at a training match in Pyongyang leading up to the World Cup.

“Some stayed in hospital and then came to Germany later than the rest of us. The goalkeeper and the four defenders were most affected, and some midfielders as well. The physicians said the players were not capable of participating in the tournament … But World Cup football is the most important and significant event for a footballer, so they don’t want to think about anything but football … The fact that they played could be called abnormal, the result of very strong will.” – Coach Kim

Since the players are not allowed to talk to the press, the world shall never know who was affected, or if they really were struck by lightning. To be fair, if I were the coach of North Korea, I would make up any excuses I can in order to delay my inevitable fate upon returning home. I imagine once the North Koreans lose their second match, these players and coach will no longer be relevant or heard from ever again. They will either be forced to work in a prison camp, or executed for their lack of national spirit.. Til next time..

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REPORT: Miami Police Can’t Even Handle Rapper ‘Flo Rida’ After Night Of The Club Not Being Able To Handle Him Right Now

Miami Beach, Florida – Dazed onlookers couldn’t help but stop and stare Thursday night, as rapper Flo Rida zoned out in Miami’s Dream Nightclub. 

One of the club’s patrons, who wishes to remain anonymous, said “Yeah, he was really going all out, the club really couldn’t handle him”.

Other presumably jealous patrons described the rapper as “arrogant like yeah” as he surrounded himself with bottles and models. At one point, he was even standing on chairs, flashing his cash, and making all of the girls melt.  

The club’s owner says that Flo visits often, because Dream is one of the few Miami Beach nightclubs that can actually handle Flo Rida. He doesn’t mind the extra attention on these nights. “Flo knows everyone is watching, he goes all out because there’s so much attention, he rocks, he rolls, he holds, he knows it, everyone knows it”. 

After copious amount of shots, and about 10 rounds of Kato, Flo decided that the celebration was no longer the only thing he knew. Instead of stepping out of the club and into his new limo (some say it was in the shop), he stepped into his car and started to drive himself back home. As you all know, Flo goes ALL out and stepped into his $1.3+ million Bugatti Veyron, one of the most ridiculous sports cars on the planet. 

After spending that kind of ‘Flo’ on a car, and walking into the club and tossing a couple thousand dollars in the air, there must not be a lot of money to go around for a driver, because Flo was arrested Thursday night for driving under the influence and driving with a suspended license. 

Flo was asked by police to walk in a straight line, after failing, Flo was quoted as saying “Officers, I can’t do this. I don’t feel I can walk a straight line. I had a few drinks. I own the light and I don’t need no help. Let’s try another test, I really can’t handle this right now”. While some adoring fans had gathered around the scene, pleading to the officers to let him free, and even offering to give Flo a ride home, Miami police put their collective feet down and hauled the rapper off to jail. 

Obviously he was released on bail, but come on Flo. I know you do it big all over the globe, but when you are going all out, at least hire a driver to get you there and back safely. 

Til Next Time.. 

You are also not the only person in the world...despite what YOU may think

This morning as I departed my humble abode, I was confronted by some rather obnoxious, brightly-colored signs which were affixed to the gate at the exit of my commune. 

In order to enter and exit the premises, one must pass through a metal gate which remains locked at all times. From my limited understanding of the mechanics of metal gates, they happen to slam, albeit rather loudly, when they are put into practical use by individuals who wish to come and go as they please. When choosing an apartment to reside in, I considered the proximity to said gate and decided it would be best to live somewhere where I would remain unaffected by the noise which said gate causes… That’s just me though. 

A few weeks ago, a presumably angry fellow tenant decided it was OK to post this blandly-colored sign reading: “Please Close The Gate Quietly Behind You. Do Not Let It Slam! Thank You For Your Consideration”. As of this morning, I assume the sign was not living up to its intended purposes. Admittedly, I am not a very considerate person, however, I took the time to consider the request, but decided it was best to not obey this baseless sign. Apparently, I’m not the only person who doesn’t take their cues from unsolicited signage, especially ones that are visually unappealing. 

Fast forward to today and there are now 3, yes, 3 more signs taped to the gate! They are written on more visually-appealing slabs of pink, hot pink, and baby blue construction paper, respectively. Nothing irritates me more than bossy people. So let me ask you, thou nameless sign poster, who the actual fuck do you think you are? Normal people complain to the management, instead of wasting their time on nonsense arts & crafts projects. Perhaps you complained to management and they told you to go pound sand because you chose, I repeat, YOU CHOSE (see I can use bright colors and underline shit too), to live next to a mother fucking metal slamming ass gate, right? 

So Seriously, STOP Posting Signs About Letting The Gate Slam! Just Because You Are A Loser/Aren’t Getting Laid/Are Unemployed Doesn’t Mean That I Am Too. Why Don’t You Be More Considerate Of My Own Free Will. Despite What YOU May Think, You Are Also Not The Only Person In This World, Therefore I Refuse To Play By YOUR Rules, Motherfucker. 

So what did you actually accomplish besides becoming the target of my vitriol? Just to spite you, I opened the gate as far as it would go this morning and slammed the absolute fuck out of it just to prove a point. If you really think your little signs are a deterrent to people slamming the gate, you are gravely mistaken. It just leaves an opening to obnoxious people like myself to just annoy you more. Next time you go apartment hunting, maybe you should consider your proximity to objects that make noises late at night. You do not control peoples comings and goings from this community, and if they CHOOSE to respect your wishes, then you should feel honored. Or if you are such a light sleeper, take an ambien or something and stop imposing your will on others, you self-righteous fuckwad. 

Til next time.. 

If Judd Apatow and Mark Wahlberg walked into the courtroom in the TNT lawyer comedy, Franklin and Bash, they would both identify with the show in different ways.

Judd Apatow would say this is something that an unconfident 18-year-old would write circa 2002 after 10 shots of Vladimir Vodka. He would also say that save for access to a camera in 1985, him and Adam Sandler would have made this movie with Matthew Broderick.

Mark Wahlberg would explain that this would be the HBO show made about his career if him and Donnie became lawyers instead of actors.

Both are correct.

Judging purely from the previews for Franklin and Bash, the show appears to be about a lawyer duo made up of that guy from Rat Race and Zach Morris. They appear to be ladies men, who care more about carrying on at bars and canoodling with loose women than legalese and due process. Their collegial hijinks undoubtedly translate into their careers as lawyers, which makes for rather unconventional litigation on their part. If you’ve seen these previews, there is little I can do to better substantiate how unlovable these two characters are. If you haven’t watched yet, you feel the same connection to these two as you do towards your sister’s aggressive ex-boyfriend.

As if buddy-comedy couldn’t fall farther, this show shoves in our faces the fraternal-banter that died with Matthew McConaughey post-Dazed and Confused. The show seems hinged on the premise that makes other shows so weak: that the confident guy who openly talks about his sexual conquests and gets super hotties very easily is likable and cool. This premise is what makes Entourage base and oftentimes corny. Vince literally sleeps with every girl he comes across, which makes him unlikable for the fact that he’s so money with women that you resent him more than you connect with him. The truth is that almost nobody is a ladies man or even knows a ladies man. No straight man I know effortlessly gets girls, it just doesn’t happen, it’s not how the world works. Entourage attempts to play to people’s fantasy with Vince as that movie star ladies man, but this is diluted as E, his manager and sidekick, gets girls who are just as hott except with him these situations are a lot more unbelievable. The actor who plays E, Kevin Connolly, looks like an eight grader who found hair-gel in the park. It simply doesn’t work and writing a show based on such an exhausted theme inevitably leads to lazy stories inbetween jokes without context, and one-liners blatantly trying to be catchphrases. This is where we are with Franklin and Bash.

But to lay into a show like Franklin and Bash is admittedly cheap and easy. At this point my interest is more driven by the curiosity as to who actually tunes into a show like this. Someone still believes in the genre and still revels in the base edginess and  thrifty comedy that unorthodox legal work elicits. This person probably owns a bull dog, has a social smoking habit, and is a single male.