Welcome to the Internet!

Posted: March 30, 2012 by Tim in Completely Pointless, General Annoyance, Tips
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Oh herro there! So you just bought a computer and are on the Internet for the first time, let me be the first to welcome you to it. I understand you have a choice in websites, and I appreciate the fact the you chose mine.

A brief history of the Internet: It was invented sometime in the 1960s by Kim Jong-il who just simply willed it and POOF, Internet created. The American media would have you believe that Al Gore invented this, but I am here to tell you, brothers and sisters, it was not. So don’t believe everything you read, ya turkeys. I don’t really know how it works, I imagine there are wires all over the place and massive underground hamster wheels who are pumped full of amphetamines running 24/7 so people could share pictures of cats and stuff. So there you have it.

Anyway, let me also be the first to warn you about a few things on this world wide web. I know you didn’t have to take a test to get on the Internet, but honestly, everyone should understand a few basic principles.

Nobody gets anything for “free” on here. NO ONE. I’m dead serious about this one. You will probably create a Facebook account so you can share pictures of your little twat children or friend request some person you liked in high school and creep on all of their pictures, because that’s what Facebook is for.. but don’t be ‘that guy’ that clicks on “OMG FREE STARBUCKS GIFT CARDS CLICK HERE” and spams (not the edible kind–spam is a bad thing on here) your entire friends list, who, in turn, click the fucking link and wonder why their computers are infected with a virus (yes your computer can get sick) and all of your friends hate you now. See where I’m going with this? This goes for you too, mom, nobody randomly selected you to win anything, so knock it off.. you aren’t that special.

Don’t open every single email you receive. Again, you are a nobody on the Internet, so always assume someone is trying to scam you out of something. You reading this, Dad? Nobody selected you from a list and thought “hmm, I bet this Tom character would really enjoy some free Viagra”. My general rule of thumb is, if you don’t know who its coming from, then just delete it.

Always assume everything is too good to be true. I think this just piggybacks on my first too points. If it sounds so awesome that you might shit yourself from all the awesomeness, then its probably a scam. You will never get a free vacation, free airline tickets, free cars, free anything. So let me just burst your bubble now. Don’t get your hopes up.

Don’t give out your credit card number. I mean okay, you can give it out if you are buying trinkets on ebay or that 5 gallon poly-bagged foldable collapsible water carrier on Amazon.com you just HAD to have. But other than that, don’t go on shady ass websites and just give out your credit card to anyone who asks for it.

I don’t know there are probably thousands of tips I can give, but I’m lazy. This post was actually going to be about you racist fucks that somehow find my website with your ridiculous search terms. By the sheer chance that the words ‘black’ and ‘people’ appear in various spots on my site, you somehow found this website. So if you are a racist, go fuck yourselves. But I’m going to share a few of my favorite search terms anyway, and these are terms that have been searched-for more than once, so enjoy:

“ugly pictures of black people”, “random black people pictures”, “italian and black people”, “niggers smell bad”, “black person vs ape”, “do people think black people are ugly”, “ugly black kids”What the fuck is wrong with you people? Go put a gun in your mouth, seriously. There have been hundreds of you finding my site with these search terms, fuck off already.

“Mike Jerrick sucks”. Agreed. Mike Jerrick is the worst human being on the planet, luckily I don’t have cable anymore.

“Danica whoring it up for go daddy”. Agreed. Glad I’m not the only one who despises her presence on this planet.

“potatoes bra”. Riiiiiight. I don’t even have a snarky comment for this, and the fact its been searched more than once is even more disturbing.

“good celebrities for a celebrity death pool”. And every combination of that imaginable. How about this? WHY NOT TRY BEING ORIGINAL YOU RETARDS. There are also searches for wildcard picks too. Its not hard to think up celebrities that you hope will die in the coming year. Try using your brain, you’d be amazed what you might actually ‘think’. Unless you are this moron: “celebrate deats 2011”. 

“5 facts about north korea”. Only 5? Why stop there. I’ll give you 35 facts, so deal with that shit.

“fructyou”. Umm, fruct you too?

“fancycatfaces”, “tough feral cat”. I love you. All of you. Just, not more than I love feral cats.

“jailbait story”, “kiddie porn comic”. I’ll notify the proper authorities.

“pictures to draw on my starbucks cup”. Again, try being original. Just fucking draw something, its not that difficult. Oh, but I need Google to tell me what to draw.

“Sean Rossman“. Stop Googling yourself, Sean.

And finally..

“Herro Prease T Shirt”. Fuck yes. I’ll start selling hand-made t-shirts by request.

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