Archive for the ‘General Annoyance’ Category

ImageEither I really have my shit together, or I have the pleasure of witnessing people who have just ventured into public for the first time…everywhere I go.

I’ve written a lot here about my displeasures with the United States Postal Service, and this rant will be no different. I’m just going to cut straight to the chase. Today I had to make a stop at the Post Office to mail something to a friend, this is my story.

This trip begins much the same as any other. A 15-deep line full of old people who have nothing else to do at 5:45 PM on a Tuesday, with a slight smattering of deer-in-a-headlight looking people who look like they just realized they were in a post office and forgot why they were there. I stroll in, grab myself a box, fold it, toss the contents inside said box, seal, address, line, boom.

My ears immediately tune-in to the second teller, a tall, reluctantly-aging, bearded hipster who settled into being a postal worker because his mom said working for the government is the easiest way to earn a guaranteed paycheck and not work on having an actual career or skills of his own. He asks the woman at his window if she “would like any stamps this evening”, to which she replies “I don’t know”. She didn’t know. She seriously didn’t fucking know if she needed stamps. She probably thought she was ordering Taco Bell for all I know. He chides back “well ma’am, if you don’t know, then you probably don’t need any stamps”. This guy was on his game. 

While this is going on, I also key-in to the couple at the third window. The gentleman customer looks like an overly-enthusiastic middle school gym teacher accompanied by his leather-skinned wife with a New Jersey accent and Fran Drescher laugh. I’m instantly transported to my own personal version of hell on Earth. I look at my watch, 3 minutes have passed. 1 customer has been served (literally and figuratively). 

I watch in agony as each customer is served painfully slower than the last. The gym-teacher and his wife are still at the same window after 10 minutes now. Their postal servant carefully places each of their 3 boxes on the scale, and every time he or the customer has something to say, he quite literally drops everything he is doing to politely and thoughtfully address each inane fucking thing each of them banter back and forth about. 

15 minutes pass. I’m finally 4th in line! My stress level begins to rise, I incessantly check my phone as if to briefly transport myself away from the stupidity flooding the room around me. I fart, and it begins to fill the air, like the way the smell of a fart builds under a bed sheet (I’m not that great at metaphors). I calmly stare at inanimate objects around the post office, as if I am formulating a really important plan, while my methane gas dissipates. As soon as I think I had gotten away with it, I suddenly realize I am in line with about a dozen of people who list ‘prunes’ as their favorite food and my nostril is invaded by a smell that I can only describe as rotting flesh and dog breath combined. I learned my lesson not to get into a farting war with octogenarians who have nothing else to do all day.

25 minutes pass, I am next in line. The gym teacher and his wife are stillllllll at the third window, somehow. It truly is one of life’s greatest mysteries as to how it takes some people so long to do the simplest tasks. I have very rarely gone anywhere and not known for what purpose I was there. I very much dislike being in situations where I am unsure, perhaps its the perfectionist in me that doesn’t like to feel like I don’t know what is going on, a character trait that apparently 5% of humans actually possess. I digress.

I finally receive my turn in line. I place my parcel on the scale, I say the package is all set, i pay my $5.80, receive my change, thank the portly, miserable teller, and I’m on my way. IN LESS THAN 30 FUCKING SECONDS. Seriously, what the fucking fuck. Why is it.. no HOW is it that everything takes so long for other people to do that takes me less than 30 seconds?? I even cracked a little joke while I was having my turn in line, and guess what? I didn’t waste anyone’s time. And guess who was still at the third window? Captain kickball and his parrothead wife. How? Why? What is actually wrong with you?

I wish life had an EZ-Pass lane where I can just breeze by everyone else who is having a hard time negotiating life’s little things; like checking out of a grocery store, using an ATM, ordering a drink, or simply getting a cup of coffee. Life really doesn’t need to be so difficult. 

To the 5% of you that have your shit together, keep it up, we are out there! We shall inherit the Earth!

This is the true story of what happens when someone tries to out-crazy me on eBay

This god damn wok

Oh Herro! Our little tale begins in early December, when I decided to sell an abundance of cheap Chinese appliances that my mom had been hoarding around her house like they were a bunch of priceless antiquities. You know, real useful stuff that every millionaire housewife probably needs.. like s’mores makers, Bluetooth headsets, 5-speed can openers, brownie makers, and this damn electric wok (pictured). 

As you can probably see, its pretty straight-forward, judging from the picture. The manual clearly states it is an “Electric Wok Set” (which I can only assume is also the brand name), its housed in a pretty unimpressive looking Styrofoam container with all the additional inclusions tucked neatly inside this little wok, accompanied by an equally-unimpressive-looking, plain white box, which sort of resembles a pizza box from a really shitty pizza place. 

Considering this wok had no discernible name brand, and I had no frame of reference as to how I was going to price this fucking thing, I decide to just throw it up on eBay for $12.99. Quite the steal for such a fine piece of culinary wonderment. Much to my surprise, eBay buyer: witchyldy218, purchased said wok within a few days of listing. I should have known from the username that she was going to be a huge problem, but honestly, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I even left her my usual lame witty feedback to seal the deal, which unfortunately I can no longer change into negative feedback, with malice intended.

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I have been a solid member of the eBay community since 2001 with a near-perfect track record, and even though I may dick around with the occasional customer, I try my best to accurately and honestly represent my items. When a customer is dissatisfied with me, I do what I can to reasonably accommodate them, unless I feel that they are trying to pull a fast one on me. Unfortunately for bitchyldy218, she seemed to have a problem with the ‘box’ the item was shipped in. For full disclosure purposes, and as you’ll see below, I admit that I removed the wok from its original shitty box, so it would fit in the shipping box I had on-hand. However, bitchyldy was having NONE OF THIS.

I’ll also admit, that I get a bit embarrassed when a claim is opened up against me. It gives me a sense of anxiety and uneasiness, because I frankly do not like when people are upset with me, so naturally I may get a bit defensive. This is the stinging allegation that was forwarded to eBay from bitchldy, and my rebuttal:

ImageImage As you can see, I may have taken a bit of a defensive tone, however, I tried to reasonably accommodate the mix up, because in all honesty, it was “my bad”. However, this irritated bitchyldy even further:

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That’s it, now the gloves are coming off. I tried being reasonable, but now I’m just downright pissed off. I decide to turn the tables on her, being as she is going to accuse me of such masochist behavior like I’m some kind of animal. At this point, I don’t even fucking care if I get banned from eBay, but I refuse to give bitchldy a box or a free wok, so here goes:

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I guess this shut her up because I did not hear back from her from this point on:

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So to anyone on eBay that wants to try to scam me into giving them free shit, think twice. I will be having none of it. And if you can’t hang with trolls like me, then get the fuck off the Internet. 

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Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Hey again! After a long hiatus, I’m back. Let’s see how this goes..

So, you woke up this morning, you reek of day-old Axe body spray, there’s a half eaten bagel bite face-down on the sheets, but you had a fucking awesome time with your bro’s last night, so that’s all that matters anyway…right?!

You turn on the news and see its going to be an unseasonably warm December day. Wow, what a treat! I mean, days like this only come like, 5 months out of the year. But hey, summer is over, and you haven’t quite gotten around to putting those cargo shorts away for the long winter. You knew this day would come, you just fucking knew it would.

That day where you could say “fuck it” to the world. Throw your middle finger at every rational thinking human being who dressed appropriate today, because after all, summers still aren’t 40 degrees in the early-morning/late-evening hours. But hey, you make the rules, and who gives a shit about rules.

Yes, that’s right. Spray another layer of Axe, pull out those wrinkly khaki cargo shorts that you haven’t worn since that “sick” Skrillex concert, spray some wrinkle-reducer on your finest plaid and/or Polo shirt, throw on a respectable backwards cap of some school that you’ve probably never even set foot on, and you are ready to make some females tremble in their pants from excitement! Nothing says “I’m dressed for any occasion”, quite like you.

While I’m not the most fashionable male out there, I do recognize the absurdity of bro-fashion. You can spot them a mile away in the summer, and in the right conditions, from 10 miles away in the winter. Nothing screams “douche” more than cargo shorts and a plaid/Polo shirt (not even people who imitate/idolize the Jersey Shore characters), but especially in the fucking winter.

This type of fashion can only be described as the “Pittsburgh Male Syndrome”. I coined this term after several years of intense research while traveling to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or I as presume, “The Bro Capital of the US”. Every knuckle-dragging, Miller Lite guzzling, mouthbreating, Big Ben supporting “Yinzer” follows this universal code for fashion: Cargo + Plaid (or Polo) = Sex(?) I’m still trying to figure out the solution, hence the question mark. Is it simply lazy fashion, or have people devolved into some kind of disgusting light beer swigging race of useless breeders hellbent on reproducing an entire race of jackass primates and Steelers fans? I hope not..

In conclusion, I know it is hard to resist the urge to dust off the cargo’s during an Indian Summer, but just don’t do it. Go back to wearing visors or backwards pants some other god-awful mindless trend. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can make that style look good. So do us all a favor and just fucking dress warm in December, you douchers. Otherwise, people will think you’re from Pittsburgh or something..

Its an awful look, just stop it.

Its an awful look, just stop it.

I’m just going to say it.

I wish to make a complaint.

The last time I checked in with Herro Prease! I complained about the lawmedy known as Franklin & Bash and it’s almost certain cancellation. Besides simply the unabashed lack of creativity spent developing the show, its other offense was the careless abuse of the actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar, also known as the blonde Tom Cruise. He deserved better.

But anyway, here it is:

Chinese takeout restaurants have been grossly encroaching on the safety standards of modern-American takeout procedure that had been in place for over 50 years. It’s been such a slow and often seamless overstepping of food safety that a communist takeover of this country seems more and more likely.

Think about ordering take-out as a youngster, even say, 10 years ago. You had the same brown paper bag, the same tin, paper box, or styrofoam container, a few napkins, and the timeless fortune cookie.

Fast-forward to modern day. Now try picturing the placid landscape of exotic fried food from the orient as it is when it arrives at your doorstep. At first it will seem normal, but now try simply opening the bag. The sweet, tender yield of a paper bag is supplanted with the resistance of atleast 3 staples on the opening of the bag.

Staples, commonly an office fixture for holding together documents that should seldom be pulled apart, are in no way at fault. They are a good office utensil. They are more permanent than a paperclip, and less permanent than adhesive, they are the best of both of the worlds, and should be lauded for that.

But chinese food take out places have irresponsibly, and possibly with malice, taken the virtue of the staple and placed it within the take out food realm. This is bad, and the reasons are as follows:

1. The use of staples violates the criteria required of a take out carrier container. Take out carrier containers require two criteria:

a.) The take out container must be able to adeptly hold the item.

b.) The take out container must have a clever device to which a human hand, and not a jostle of the container, is able to open.

An example of the "clever device" known as the tuck-under flap on paper box packaging.

The difference between the “device” I have described and the ability to “hold,” or the two criteria I just mentioned are radically      different, something that Chinese take out packaging procedure has ignored. One involves the intelligence of a human being, the other is the product of engineering. You see, the “clever device” is the part that is to be impenetrable to the wear and tear that occurs in transportation. It is “clever” because it is not activated by pure force, but by the willful employment of human intelligence. Examlples of “clever devices” are the tuck-under flap on styrofoam containers, the fold-over-the-sides margin on tin packaging, and the variation of the tuck-under flap on the paper box packaging. All ably do their duty. All are impenetrable to normal wear and tear but can be activated by a human readily. The use of staples clearly violates this construct. By attempting to use staples as a bit of added security to their already stellar packaging, the chinese food take out restaurant has thus impeded one essential element of the takeout container in lieu of the added support relevant in the “holding” element.

This creates a problem. Staples are not for the human hand. Yes, you could argue that staples do fit the characteristic of the “clever device” element I described earlier, since we humans are aware of how to pull them out. BUT the “clever device” element is not composed only of simple human intelligence, but human intelligence and ability. And human beings have not the dexterity nor the derma-strength to take out one of these bitches manually, and no one, should ever, under any circumstances, readily have a staple remover. Thus, the  bag becomes such a painful and tedious process that you end up tearing the bag and risk puncturing skin in the process.

2. Isn’t the idea to keep small pieces of metal AWAY from food? I mean, c’mon Chinese food, you already have a pretty miserable reputation on proper food preparedness/food composition that you can’t be taking risks with thin pieces of metal. The reputation, by the way, is no longer a reputation, but firmly a part of American lore.

That is all.

Please take note. Keep calm and carry on, and other phrases.

Worse than the holocaust

Something I always though was cool about my life, or life in general, is that I’m not blind and have a pretty good idea of what is occurring around me while I am “in the moment”. Such as at a concert or sporting event. The fact that I am there, in person, observing, is simply enough for me. The memory I created from being at that event at that point in time satisfies me in ways that a grainy cell phone photo or a muffled/shaky cell phone video can ever accomplish. Maybe that’s just me, but I like being in that moment, where I don’t have some 6’4 jackass high school quarterback pushing to get in front of me so he can raise his 2002 fucking flip phone in front of me to record this song that you’ll never fucking hear anyway because it sounds like the speakers in your phone are going to implode then upload it to youtube so it gets 56 views in 3 years because nobody gives a fuck about your shitty video when they could have just been there in person. You know I’m serious when I go off on an unpunctuated rant. Fuck you people.

What is so hard about using your eyes and ears to appreciate your surroundings? Do you really need to text your friend Becky and be all “OMG BECKY M AT THE CNCRT LOL U SHLD B HERE” and then when Becky sends you back a fucking frowny face because she is an idiot has nothing of actual substance to say back so you hold up your cell phone for 20 minutes trying to take a picture which will end up looking like a shit stain across a black canvass.

Don’t act like its the first concert you’ve ever been to. There are a few simple guidelines to live by. Be respectful of those around you (ex. don’t be a drunk meathead and start a fight because someone brushed up against your girl like every single dickhead that goes to the festival pier), help people up if they fall, and keep your fucking phone in your pocket. People around you won’t hate you and you will have a far better time because you are actually having a real experience. So go with it.

Oh herro there! So you just bought a computer and are on the Internet for the first time, let me be the first to welcome you to it. I understand you have a choice in websites, and I appreciate the fact the you chose mine.

A brief history of the Internet: It was invented sometime in the 1960s by Kim Jong-il who just simply willed it and POOF, Internet created. The American media would have you believe that Al Gore invented this, but I am here to tell you, brothers and sisters, it was not. So don’t believe everything you read, ya turkeys. I don’t really know how it works, I imagine there are wires all over the place and massive underground hamster wheels who are pumped full of amphetamines running 24/7 so people could share pictures of cats and stuff. So there you have it.

Anyway, let me also be the first to warn you about a few things on this world wide web. I know you didn’t have to take a test to get on the Internet, but honestly, everyone should understand a few basic principles.

Nobody gets anything for “free” on here. NO ONE. I’m dead serious about this one. You will probably create a Facebook account so you can share pictures of your little twat children or friend request some person you liked in high school and creep on all of their pictures, because that’s what Facebook is for.. but don’t be ‘that guy’ that clicks on “OMG FREE STARBUCKS GIFT CARDS CLICK HERE” and spams (not the edible kind–spam is a bad thing on here) your entire friends list, who, in turn, click the fucking link and wonder why their computers are infected with a virus (yes your computer can get sick) and all of your friends hate you now. See where I’m going with this? This goes for you too, mom, nobody randomly selected you to win anything, so knock it off.. you aren’t that special.

Don’t open every single email you receive. Again, you are a nobody on the Internet, so always assume someone is trying to scam you out of something. You reading this, Dad? Nobody selected you from a list and thought “hmm, I bet this Tom character would really enjoy some free Viagra”. My general rule of thumb is, if you don’t know who its coming from, then just delete it.

Always assume everything is too good to be true. I think this just piggybacks on my first too points. If it sounds so awesome that you might shit yourself from all the awesomeness, then its probably a scam. You will never get a free vacation, free airline tickets, free cars, free anything. So let me just burst your bubble now. Don’t get your hopes up.

Don’t give out your credit card number. I mean okay, you can give it out if you are buying trinkets on ebay or that 5 gallon poly-bagged foldable collapsible water carrier on Amazon.com you just HAD to have. But other than that, don’t go on shady ass websites and just give out your credit card to anyone who asks for it.

I don’t know there are probably thousands of tips I can give, but I’m lazy. This post was actually going to be about you racist fucks that somehow find my website with your ridiculous search terms. By the sheer chance that the words ‘black’ and ‘people’ appear in various spots on my site, you somehow found this website. So if you are a racist, go fuck yourselves. But I’m going to share a few of my favorite search terms anyway, and these are terms that have been searched-for more than once, so enjoy:

“ugly pictures of black people”, “random black people pictures”, “italian and black people”, “niggers smell bad”, “black person vs ape”, “do people think black people are ugly”, “ugly black kids”What the fuck is wrong with you people? Go put a gun in your mouth, seriously. There have been hundreds of you finding my site with these search terms, fuck off already.

“Mike Jerrick sucks”. Agreed. Mike Jerrick is the worst human being on the planet, luckily I don’t have cable anymore.

“Danica whoring it up for go daddy”. Agreed. Glad I’m not the only one who despises her presence on this planet.

“potatoes bra”. Riiiiiight. I don’t even have a snarky comment for this, and the fact its been searched more than once is even more disturbing.

“good celebrities for a celebrity death pool”. And every combination of that imaginable. How about this? WHY NOT TRY BEING ORIGINAL YOU RETARDS. There are also searches for wildcard picks too. Its not hard to think up celebrities that you hope will die in the coming year. Try using your brain, you’d be amazed what you might actually ‘think’. Unless you are this moron: “celebrate deats 2011”. 

“5 facts about north korea”. Only 5? Why stop there. I’ll give you 35 facts, so deal with that shit.

“fructyou”. Umm, fruct you too?

“fancycatfaces”, “tough feral cat”. I love you. All of you. Just, not more than I love feral cats.

“jailbait story”, “kiddie porn comic”. I’ll notify the proper authorities.

“pictures to draw on my starbucks cup”. Again, try being original. Just fucking draw something, its not that difficult. Oh, but I need Google to tell me what to draw.

“Sean Rossman“. Stop Googling yourself, Sean.

And finally..

“Herro Prease T Shirt”. Fuck yes. I’ll start selling hand-made t-shirts by request.

Due to growing up with the Internet, I have a short window for caring about things and an even shorter attention span. Joe Paterno died 2 days ago (maybe 3). People die every day. People who have cured diseases, people who have been world leaders, people who have been pivotal in the advancement of mankind, and your everyday nobodys. Its just a part of life everyone needs to accept and move on from.

I can understand being upset over such an iconic figure such as Paterno. Someone who has accomplished so much as a college football coach, has helped countless people become a better version of themselves and helped so many people realize potential they never thought possible. Believe me, I fucking get it.

But where the line needs to be drawn is not twisting this into an outcry of statewide mourning. Gov. Tom Corbett announced yesterday that flags across Pennsylvania must be flown at half-staff in honor of Paterno until he is buried on Wednesday. As mentioned above, while Paterno may have been a ‘legend’ in his own institution, he did not contribute anything of substance to the State of Pennsylvania or to advancement of mankind as a species. So I completely disagree with this sentiment.

So as my Youtube attention span fades on this issue, I just pray that everyone can heal all of these deep wounds that the passing of Joe Paterno may have caused. I know many of you had to have known his personally, as I comb through the many heartfelt grievances on Facebook and Twitter. I also find it kind of pathetic that many of these same people only chose to attend Penn State because of the presence of Joe Paterno. If you chose to spend tens of thousands of dollars per year to major in University Studies so you can watch a football team every week, then you deserve to be shit on by this economy in the real-world. Welcome to it.

Also, accusing the Board of Trustees of causing the death of Joe Paterno is not only the most childish thing I’ve ever seen, but it just goes to show the amount of intelligence the clouts the atmosphere at Penn State.

Despite what you might think, the world doesn’t revolve around Penn State football. And I don’t either. It’s time to move on, so who’s ready to follow the leader?

Oh, and enjoy the Westboro church on your campus. It sucks, but that’s kind of what happens when you cover-up a boy-rape scandal, sowwwwwwy.