Archive for the ‘Rant or Review’ Category

ImageEither I really have my shit together, or I have the pleasure of witnessing people who have just ventured into public for the first time…everywhere I go.

I’ve written a lot here about my displeasures with the United States Postal Service, and this rant will be no different. I’m just going to cut straight to the chase. Today I had to make a stop at the Post Office to mail something to a friend, this is my story.

This trip begins much the same as any other. A 15-deep line full of old people who have nothing else to do at 5:45 PM on a Tuesday, with a slight smattering of deer-in-a-headlight looking people who look like they just realized they were in a post office and forgot why they were there. I stroll in, grab myself a box, fold it, toss the contents inside said box, seal, address, line, boom.

My ears immediately tune-in to the second teller, a tall, reluctantly-aging, bearded hipster who settled into being a postal worker because his mom said working for the government is the easiest way to earn a guaranteed paycheck and not work on having an actual career or skills of his own. He asks the woman at his window if she “would like any stamps this evening”, to which she replies “I don’t know”. She didn’t know. She seriously didn’t fucking know if she needed stamps. She probably thought she was ordering Taco Bell for all I know. He chides back “well ma’am, if you don’t know, then you probably don’t need any stamps”. This guy was on his game. 

While this is going on, I also key-in to the couple at the third window. The gentleman customer looks like an overly-enthusiastic middle school gym teacher accompanied by his leather-skinned wife with a New Jersey accent and Fran Drescher laugh. I’m instantly transported to my own personal version of hell on Earth. I look at my watch, 3 minutes have passed. 1 customer has been served (literally and figuratively). 

I watch in agony as each customer is served painfully slower than the last. The gym-teacher and his wife are still at the same window after 10 minutes now. Their postal servant carefully places each of their 3 boxes on the scale, and every time he or the customer has something to say, he quite literally drops everything he is doing to politely and thoughtfully address each inane fucking thing each of them banter back and forth about. 

15 minutes pass. I’m finally 4th in line! My stress level begins to rise, I incessantly check my phone as if to briefly transport myself away from the stupidity flooding the room around me. I fart, and it begins to fill the air, like the way the smell of a fart builds under a bed sheet (I’m not that great at metaphors). I calmly stare at inanimate objects around the post office, as if I am formulating a really important plan, while my methane gas dissipates. As soon as I think I had gotten away with it, I suddenly realize I am in line with about a dozen of people who list ‘prunes’ as their favorite food and my nostril is invaded by a smell that I can only describe as rotting flesh and dog breath combined. I learned my lesson not to get into a farting war with octogenarians who have nothing else to do all day.

25 minutes pass, I am next in line. The gym teacher and his wife are stillllllll at the third window, somehow. It truly is one of life’s greatest mysteries as to how it takes some people so long to do the simplest tasks. I have very rarely gone anywhere and not known for what purpose I was there. I very much dislike being in situations where I am unsure, perhaps its the perfectionist in me that doesn’t like to feel like I don’t know what is going on, a character trait that apparently 5% of humans actually possess. I digress.

I finally receive my turn in line. I place my parcel on the scale, I say the package is all set, i pay my $5.80, receive my change, thank the portly, miserable teller, and I’m on my way. IN LESS THAN 30 FUCKING SECONDS. Seriously, what the fucking fuck. Why is it.. no HOW is it that everything takes so long for other people to do that takes me less than 30 seconds?? I even cracked a little joke while I was having my turn in line, and guess what? I didn’t waste anyone’s time. And guess who was still at the third window? Captain kickball and his parrothead wife. How? Why? What is actually wrong with you?

I wish life had an EZ-Pass lane where I can just breeze by everyone else who is having a hard time negotiating life’s little things; like checking out of a grocery store, using an ATM, ordering a drink, or simply getting a cup of coffee. Life really doesn’t need to be so difficult. 

To the 5% of you that have your shit together, keep it up, we are out there! We shall inherit the Earth!

This is the true story of what happens when someone tries to out-crazy me on eBay

This god damn wok

Oh Herro! Our little tale begins in early December, when I decided to sell an abundance of cheap Chinese appliances that my mom had been hoarding around her house like they were a bunch of priceless antiquities. You know, real useful stuff that every millionaire housewife probably needs.. like s’mores makers, Bluetooth headsets, 5-speed can openers, brownie makers, and this damn electric wok (pictured). 

As you can probably see, its pretty straight-forward, judging from the picture. The manual clearly states it is an “Electric Wok Set” (which I can only assume is also the brand name), its housed in a pretty unimpressive looking Styrofoam container with all the additional inclusions tucked neatly inside this little wok, accompanied by an equally-unimpressive-looking, plain white box, which sort of resembles a pizza box from a really shitty pizza place. 

Considering this wok had no discernible name brand, and I had no frame of reference as to how I was going to price this fucking thing, I decide to just throw it up on eBay for $12.99. Quite the steal for such a fine piece of culinary wonderment. Much to my surprise, eBay buyer: witchyldy218, purchased said wok within a few days of listing. I should have known from the username that she was going to be a huge problem, but honestly, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I even left her my usual lame witty feedback to seal the deal, which unfortunately I can no longer change into negative feedback, with malice intended.

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I have been a solid member of the eBay community since 2001 with a near-perfect track record, and even though I may dick around with the occasional customer, I try my best to accurately and honestly represent my items. When a customer is dissatisfied with me, I do what I can to reasonably accommodate them, unless I feel that they are trying to pull a fast one on me. Unfortunately for bitchyldy218, she seemed to have a problem with the ‘box’ the item was shipped in. For full disclosure purposes, and as you’ll see below, I admit that I removed the wok from its original shitty box, so it would fit in the shipping box I had on-hand. However, bitchyldy was having NONE OF THIS.

I’ll also admit, that I get a bit embarrassed when a claim is opened up against me. It gives me a sense of anxiety and uneasiness, because I frankly do not like when people are upset with me, so naturally I may get a bit defensive. This is the stinging allegation that was forwarded to eBay from bitchldy, and my rebuttal:

ImageImage As you can see, I may have taken a bit of a defensive tone, however, I tried to reasonably accommodate the mix up, because in all honesty, it was “my bad”. However, this irritated bitchyldy even further:

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That’s it, now the gloves are coming off. I tried being reasonable, but now I’m just downright pissed off. I decide to turn the tables on her, being as she is going to accuse me of such masochist behavior like I’m some kind of animal. At this point, I don’t even fucking care if I get banned from eBay, but I refuse to give bitchldy a box or a free wok, so here goes:

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I guess this shut her up because I did not hear back from her from this point on:

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So to anyone on eBay that wants to try to scam me into giving them free shit, think twice. I will be having none of it. And if you can’t hang with trolls like me, then get the fuck off the Internet. 

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Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Hey again! After a long hiatus, I’m back. Let’s see how this goes..

So, you woke up this morning, you reek of day-old Axe body spray, there’s a half eaten bagel bite face-down on the sheets, but you had a fucking awesome time with your bro’s last night, so that’s all that matters anyway…right?!

You turn on the news and see its going to be an unseasonably warm December day. Wow, what a treat! I mean, days like this only come like, 5 months out of the year. But hey, summer is over, and you haven’t quite gotten around to putting those cargo shorts away for the long winter. You knew this day would come, you just fucking knew it would.

That day where you could say “fuck it” to the world. Throw your middle finger at every rational thinking human being who dressed appropriate today, because after all, summers still aren’t 40 degrees in the early-morning/late-evening hours. But hey, you make the rules, and who gives a shit about rules.

Yes, that’s right. Spray another layer of Axe, pull out those wrinkly khaki cargo shorts that you haven’t worn since that “sick” Skrillex concert, spray some wrinkle-reducer on your finest plaid and/or Polo shirt, throw on a respectable backwards cap of some school that you’ve probably never even set foot on, and you are ready to make some females tremble in their pants from excitement! Nothing says “I’m dressed for any occasion”, quite like you.

While I’m not the most fashionable male out there, I do recognize the absurdity of bro-fashion. You can spot them a mile away in the summer, and in the right conditions, from 10 miles away in the winter. Nothing screams “douche” more than cargo shorts and a plaid/Polo shirt (not even people who imitate/idolize the Jersey Shore characters), but especially in the fucking winter.

This type of fashion can only be described as the “Pittsburgh Male Syndrome”. I coined this term after several years of intense research while traveling to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or I as presume, “The Bro Capital of the US”. Every knuckle-dragging, Miller Lite guzzling, mouthbreating, Big Ben supporting “Yinzer” follows this universal code for fashion: Cargo + Plaid (or Polo) = Sex(?) I’m still trying to figure out the solution, hence the question mark. Is it simply lazy fashion, or have people devolved into some kind of disgusting light beer swigging race of useless breeders hellbent on reproducing an entire race of jackass primates and Steelers fans? I hope not..

In conclusion, I know it is hard to resist the urge to dust off the cargo’s during an Indian Summer, but just don’t do it. Go back to wearing visors or backwards pants some other god-awful mindless trend. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can make that style look good. So do us all a favor and just fucking dress warm in December, you douchers. Otherwise, people will think you’re from Pittsburgh or something..

Its an awful look, just stop it.

Its an awful look, just stop it.

My options for iced coffee on my morning drive to work are pretty limited, given the inherent ghettoness of the hour long drive I must endure each morning. Apparently small locally-owned coffee shops don’t fare as well in destitute neighborhoods, which leaves room for the corporate powerhouse chains to swoop in and corner the coffee market in these areas. I guess the main bullet point of this paragraph is that Dunkin Donuts is really my only option for iced coffee in the morning. Moving on.

Dunkin Donuts has been getting pretty crayzy (purposeful misspelling) recently with the additions of mocha-flavored iced coffee in combination with the likes of almonds and caramel. I must admit, they are decent. Today as I drive-by I notice a sign for “Oreo Iced Coffee”. Naturally, I’m intrigued, mainly because the advertisement shows an apparently delicious-looking beverage with magical flying Oreo cookies surrounding it. Just the mere thought of flying cookies has me sold on the endless possibilities of this product.

Let me be the first to tell you, fuck this coffee. Here is an illustration to introduce you to this debauchery:

First of all, when considering this drink, I figured it would taste more-or-less like a cookies-n-cream iced coffee, if such a thing exists. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was actually trusting Dunkin Donuts to not fuck up a perfectly good idea for an iced coffee. I take my first sip, it tastes like a regular black iced coffee. I stir and shake it up a little bit, and MUCH to my surprise, my mouth is inundated with slimy chunks of Oreo cookie.. not the creamy center parts either, the nasty chunky chocolate bits. My mouth is in a serious state of “what the fuck was that” at this point. I should have noticed the chunks from the original advertisement, but to my credit, they did appear to be evenly dispersed in this milieu, not all completely settled to the bottom like someone licked off all of the cream, crushed the cookies, threw them in the bottom of a cup and poured coffee over it (wait, that’s really what it is).

So to recap: Iced Oreo Coffee from Dunkin Donuts

A) Entire Oreo cookies will not magically appear and float around you.

B) It does not appear nor taste as delicious as it looks in the advertisement.

C) It sucks, don’t waste your money.

On a side note.. Do people not drink black coffee? You know, minus the whole cream & sugar thing. I feel like every time I respectfully decline the option for cream and sugar, the servers get so offended or look at me like I’m from France or something. I don’t get it. Its bad for you and, at least to me, offers nothing but wasted space that could have been filled by coffee. Maybe I’m weird.

Anyway.. more to follow, I’m sure.