Posts Tagged ‘coffee’

My options for iced coffee on my morning drive to work are pretty limited, given the inherent ghettoness of the hour long drive I must endure each morning. Apparently small locally-owned coffee shops don’t fare as well in destitute neighborhoods, which leaves room for the corporate powerhouse chains to swoop in and corner the coffee market in these areas. I guess the main bullet point of this paragraph is that Dunkin Donuts is really my only option for iced coffee in the morning. Moving on.

Dunkin Donuts has been getting pretty crayzy (purposeful misspelling) recently with the additions of mocha-flavored iced coffee in combination with the likes of almonds and caramel. I must admit, they are decent. Today as I drive-by I notice a sign for “Oreo Iced Coffee”. Naturally, I’m intrigued, mainly because the advertisement shows an apparently delicious-looking beverage with magical flying Oreo cookies surrounding it. Just the mere thought of flying cookies has me sold on the endless possibilities of this product.

Let me be the first to tell you, fuck this coffee. Here is an illustration to introduce you to this debauchery:

First of all, when considering this drink, I figured it would taste more-or-less like a cookies-n-cream iced coffee, if such a thing exists. That was my first mistake. The second mistake was actually trusting Dunkin Donuts to not fuck up a perfectly good idea for an iced coffee. I take my first sip, it tastes like a regular black iced coffee. I stir and shake it up a little bit, and MUCH to my surprise, my mouth is inundated with slimy chunks of Oreo cookie.. not the creamy center parts either, the nasty chunky chocolate bits. My mouth is in a serious state of “what the fuck was that” at this point. I should have noticed the chunks from the original advertisement, but to my credit, they did appear to be evenly dispersed in this milieu, not all completely settled to the bottom like someone licked off all of the cream, crushed the cookies, threw them in the bottom of a cup and poured coffee over it (wait, that’s really what it is).

So to recap: Iced Oreo Coffee from Dunkin Donuts

A) Entire Oreo cookies will not magically appear and float around you.

B) It does not appear nor taste as delicious as it looks in the advertisement.

C) It sucks, don’t waste your money.

On a side note.. Do people not drink black coffee? You know, minus the whole cream & sugar thing. I feel like every time I respectfully decline the option for cream and sugar, the servers get so offended or look at me like I’m from France or something. I don’t get it. Its bad for you and, at least to me, offers nothing but wasted space that could have been filled by coffee. Maybe I’m weird.

Anyway.. more to follow, I’m sure.

One of my favorite topics I like to discuss here at is coffee. This post will be no different. I love coffee. Iced or hot. No cream. No sugar. No problems, unless you go to Dunkin Donuts where English is a second, or third, language depending on the location (you wan sugar pree?).

Last November, I finally had enough of Dunkin Donuts and switched over to Starbucks Coffee. One of my pet peeves is having to repeat myself, when I’m not actually mumbling. I grew tired of having to repeat, and even educate the workers on the meanings of the words “yes”, “no”, “a little”, “a lot”, etc. Not to mention their coffee tastes like diarrhea and has a 90-to-1 ice-to-coffee ratio.

Anyone, enough of the history lesson. Today is a swelter-fuck of a day in old-Philadelphiatown. Its pushing 100 degrees with high humidy–fuck that noise. What better way to cool off than a nice, tall, cold, iced coffee, eh?

Well, this morning I pour into the local Starbucks (please sponsor me!) on 7th and Walnut Streets (the one on 11th and Walnut can blow me sideways, awful jackasses) and order my usual venti black iced coffee. By the way, ‘venti’ is a ‘large’ for all you non-pretentious pricks out there. I’m not easily up-sold on too many things, but for roughly 40 cents more, you can get a ‘Trenta’ cup. For comparison purposes, the ‘venti’ is roughly 20-ounces (591-ml for the rest of the world) and the ‘trenta’ is roughly 30-ounces (916-ml). I assume the ‘trenta’ is an American thing only, but if any of you Canadian or other-worldly brethren care to advise, please feel free.

Anyway, I found this image for comparisons sake just to illustrate how ridiculous this cup really is:

So anyway, I don’t know how to feel about the ‘trenta’ cup yet. There is definitely great value for the price, and you get more than the usual 10 sips when compared to the ‘venti’ size due to the higher volume of coffee, giving one a more favorable ice-to-coffee ratio.

Also, the total beverage weighs in around 250 calories, or at least that’s what I estimate it at. In reality, when you factor in the amount of laxative a 30-oz Starbucks coffee contains, you are coming out ahead in the long-run. Definitely a great way to stay in shape, and keep your bowels cleared!

I’m not sure if the trenta is available in all areas. Frankly, this is the first I’ve seen of it in Philadelphia. Also, they are only available for cold beverages. So, if you happen to see it in your area, why not give it a try?

Til next time..

Hello world! If you’ve followed my blog in the past, you know how much I enjoy my coffee! Recently, its been decided that I’ve had enough of Dunkin Donuts and their insidious ways of strategically placing store at every single place I move through. I also despise their use of styrofoam cups, the fact that nobody speaks English, and that they can never deliver a consistent product on a daily basis.

In my quest to become more eco-friendly, cost-efficient, and an overly satisfied person in the morning, I have decided to (gasp!) switch to Starbucks. This move is not to appear like a pretentious dick, but to keep my costs down while using less resources. In the past I viewed Starbucks coffee as tasting awful, an annoyance because I had to add my own sugar, and overly expensive. While some of that is still true, its been discovered that you can bring in your old cups for a .50 cent refill—OF ANY SIZE! Is that not a great deal? So instead of paying 2 bucks everyday, I can now pay .54 cents and refill my ‘venti’ cup with whatever flavor they have on tap that day. And when my cup becomes so rugged that even the ‘barista’ is like, dude, really? They just give you a new one. How genius?

Therefore, I have now fallen in love with Starbucks. I will sacrifice adding my own sugar for cost effectiveness. Their coffee isn’t half bad either. So while I continue living in a world of unpaid internships, I implore the generous folks of the world, friends, family, philanthropists, etc to reload my Starbucks card for me! If you feel you need some sort of collateral. I will perhaps write you a short story, poem, haiku, narrative, draw a picture, take a picture, insult you in a Shakespearean manner, a free subscription to the HerroPrease blog, or any reasonable request.

My card number is: 6037325318551278 and the pin is 91757947. You can remain anonymous if you like. I believe they require $10 increments but I may be wrong. You can reload at:

Thanks for reading!

Coffee Woes

Posted: August 19, 2010 by Tim in General Annoyance, News
Tags: , ,

As a habitual complainer, I always have something that irks me on a daily basis. Today has been no different. Normally, I’m the happy-go-lucky coffee drinking stock photo girl to the right, however, I’ve found it nearly impossible to get a standard cup of coffee in the city of Philadelphia. The worst offender? Dunkin Donuts.

My daily grind consists of catching the train to Center City in the morning and grabbing a coffee. Since Dunkin Donuts runs a monopoly on the coffee game, I’m pretty limited in my choices. Plus on the underground concourse from Suburban Station to City Hall, there are 4, yes 4 DD’s that I pass. I could go to McCafe, sure, but that coffee totally sucks. I could go to Au Bon Pain if I’m feeling pretentious enough (which is never) or Starbucks…but who wants to pay 4 bucks for an iced coffee. Plus theirs usually resembles some form of diarrhea, but I digress.

So you get the point, I pass 4 DD’s underground. Then another 2-3 on my above-ground walk to my office. Plus I have an affinity for their coffee. Anyway, I wrote a rant to Dunkin’ yesterday, complaining about their stores in Philadelphia. It seems that every store franchises out to some Asian/Indian/etc franchisee, which is not my issue. The issue is that they hire people who have English as a second, even third language and still cannot understand what the fuck you are saying. There should be a minimal amount of words that you should understand, for example: “yes”, “no”, “coffee”, “cream”, “milk”, “sugar”, “extra”, “a little”, and “thank you”.

So let’s say I’m back home in Scranton, PA. I go to a DD, order a medium iced coffee with cream and sugar.. that’s exactly what I get. When I order it at one of the 7 locations in Philadelphia, I either get a medium iced cream shake with a side of coffee, an extra sugar diabetes express attack, or lasts nights coffee served over ice with extra sugar. For the past week I have had to both verbally and physically explain how to make a proper coffee..and they still fuck it up. I speak slowly, use hand gestures, etc but still theres always one thing off. I’ve complained to store managers and to DD. Hopefully I can get the ball rolling on some change here. I mean come on, your job isn’t difficult. Just pay attention to words and to detail and everyone will be happy. Yet, I still continue to support DD. We’ll see what happens.