Posts Tagged ‘douchebags’

Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Left, A typical Pittsburgh Male. Dressed for all occasions.

Hey again! After a long hiatus, I’m back. Let’s see how this goes..

So, you woke up this morning, you reek of day-old Axe body spray, there’s a half eaten bagel bite face-down on the sheets, but you had a fucking awesome time with your bro’s last night, so that’s all that matters anyway…right?!

You turn on the news and see its going to be an unseasonably warm December day. Wow, what a treat! I mean, days like this only come like, 5 months out of the year. But hey, summer is over, and you haven’t quite gotten around to putting those cargo shorts away for the long winter. You knew this day would come, you just fucking knew it would.

That day where you could say “fuck it” to the world. Throw your middle finger at every rational thinking human being who dressed appropriate today, because after all, summers still aren’t 40 degrees in the early-morning/late-evening hours. But hey, you make the rules, and who gives a shit about rules.

Yes, that’s right. Spray another layer of Axe, pull out those wrinkly khaki cargo shorts that you haven’t worn since that “sick” Skrillex concert, spray some wrinkle-reducer on your finest plaid and/or Polo shirt, throw on a respectable backwards cap of some school that you’ve probably never even set foot on, and you are ready to make some females tremble in their pants from excitement! Nothing says “I’m dressed for any occasion”, quite like you.

While I’m not the most fashionable male out there, I do recognize the absurdity of bro-fashion. You can spot them a mile away in the summer, and in the right conditions, from 10 miles away in the winter. Nothing screams “douche” more than cargo shorts and a plaid/Polo shirt (not even people who imitate/idolize the Jersey Shore characters), but especially in the fucking winter.

This type of fashion can only be described as the “Pittsburgh Male Syndrome”. I coined this term after several years of intense research while traveling to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or I as presume, “The Bro Capital of the US”. Every knuckle-dragging, Miller Lite guzzling, mouthbreating, Big Ben supporting “Yinzer” follows this universal code for fashion: Cargo + Plaid (or Polo) = Sex(?) I’m still trying to figure out the solution, hence the question mark. Is it simply lazy fashion, or have people devolved into some kind of disgusting light beer swigging race of useless breeders hellbent on reproducing an entire race of jackass primates and Steelers fans? I hope not..

In conclusion, I know it is hard to resist the urge to dust off the cargo’s during an Indian Summer, but just don’t do it. Go back to wearing visors or backwards pants some other god-awful mindless trend. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can make that style look good. So do us all a favor and just fucking dress warm in December, you douchers. Otherwise, people will think you’re from Pittsburgh or something..

Its an awful look, just stop it.

Its an awful look, just stop it.

Worse than the holocaust

Something I always though was cool about my life, or life in general, is that I’m not blind and have a pretty good idea of what is occurring around me while I am “in the moment”. Such as at a concert or sporting event. The fact that I am there, in person, observing, is simply enough for me. The memory I created from being at that event at that point in time satisfies me in ways that a grainy cell phone photo or a muffled/shaky cell phone video can ever accomplish. Maybe that’s just me, but I like being in that moment, where I don’t have some 6’4 jackass high school quarterback pushing to get in front of me so he can raise his 2002 fucking flip phone in front of me to record this song that you’ll never fucking hear anyway because it sounds like the speakers in your phone are going to implode then upload it to youtube so it gets 56 views in 3 years because nobody gives a fuck about your shitty video when they could have just been there in person. You know I’m serious when I go off on an unpunctuated rant. Fuck you people.

What is so hard about using your eyes and ears to appreciate your surroundings? Do you really need to text your friend Becky and be all “OMG BECKY M AT THE CNCRT LOL U SHLD B HERE” and then when Becky sends you back a fucking frowny face because she is an idiot has nothing of actual substance to say back so you hold up your cell phone for 20 minutes trying to take a picture which will end up looking like a shit stain across a black canvass.

Don’t act like its the first concert you’ve ever been to. There are a few simple guidelines to live by. Be respectful of those around you (ex. don’t be a drunk meathead and start a fight because someone brushed up against your girl like every single dickhead that goes to the festival pier), help people up if they fall, and keep your fucking phone in your pocket. People around you won’t hate you and you will have a far better time because you are actually having a real experience. So go with it.