Posts Tagged ‘Philadelphia’

Your safety is our top priority.

I was taken by surprise this morning when I saw a SEPTA bus pass by me with a ‘student driver: no passengers’ sign hanging from the front window. To be honest, I didn’t even know SEPTA even trained any of its staff based on my experiences riding this poorly-run excuse for mass-transit. 

Given the way most of the bus drivers I have encountered conduct themselves while on the job, I can only assume the training consists of these basic principles:

  1. Treat all passengers with disrespect. This applies even more if the passenger is of a different race than yourself. Bonus points for getting pissed off at disabled people who need extra assistance.
  2. When coming to any kind of stop, be sure to aggressively apply the breaks as to frighten any passengers who doubt your level of control on the bus. This also insures that the bus will break down easier, therefore, giving you a much needed break while a new bus is sent your way.
  3. Always, always, be sure to honk your horn at other motorists and bicyclists for no apparent reason. YOU own the road.
  4. When you see a passenger trying to stand up, be sure to catch them off-guard and slam on the breaks. Again, bonus point for the elderly and disabled passengers. Double bonus points if they fall over.
  5. If there is a stop that is not next to a stop sign or traffic light and there is only one person waiting, it is 100% acceptable to drive past the stop and not pick up the passenger. Because, really, what are they gonna do?
There are bound to be dozens of unwritten rules (and I encourage posting them here), and different rules most certainly apply to the other modes of transit: regional rail, subway, trolleys, unicorns.. well, not quite yet. Their basic principle is to be lazy above all other tasks. So if you visit Philadelphia, or live here, remember: you must play their game at all times because its not YOU that matters.


Welcome back to the show.

The guys kick off with some off-season basketball news and whether or not the Palestra is cool or not. College football jerseys are

debated and Kyle reveals the advantages of being color blind. Tim goes on to speculate on the upcoming season of Wife Swap.

Later on, two white guys explain a racist act to another white guy, plus more racist acts of the week before are discussed. Plus, the long national nightmare is over: wine kiosks shut down. Plus its the beginning of the end of the self-checkout era, the fellas share their memories.

After a short Dorito-zombie interlude, Darrell Clarke’s bill to curb housing around Temple’s campus is the topic of discussion and we philosophize as to who is right in the student vs. North Philly resident debate. Plus, here’s an update on the falling satellite: it crashed.

Prop betting is discussed and the guys start their own prop betting game. If your into porking, but not pork, you should look into PETA’s
new porn site. Speaking of PETA, the guys think they should pump their brakes and just stick to the basics, and do they owe Mike Vick more?

The guys go on to discuss the troubles of the Philadelphia Eagles and their “dream team” stigma. Travel agent Tim tells us to go to Jamaica and the non-Juarez parts of Mexico. Finally, Kyle signs us off.

Location: 8th and Green Sts, Philadelphia PA

I felt compelled to write this post today after a disgusting, yet unsurprising find on a recent walk through my neighborhood. If the title of this article misled you into thinking that I would be writing about advocating condom usage, then I apologize (for the record, I do support it). This post is more-or-less to analyze the mindset of the individual who decided to dispose of this most intimate and personal item on a city sidewalk as opposed to, you know, a trash receptacle.

Just as a brief side note to this story, I saw this particular condom rotting into the fabric of the sidewalk a week ago, only to find it still laying in the same place as of yesterday evening.. and here we are.

I want to run a few scenarios to really figure out why this phenomenon would occur, and I do appreciate any input fellow readers may have into this subject. So without further ado:

  1. Cheating spouse/partner. Perhaps the condom could not be properly disposed inside of a residence because the unsuspecting partner would find out of their infidelities.
  2. Forgetfulness. Perhaps after the act of sexual congress commenced,  the culprit simply got dressed without removing said condom and didn’t realize until they hit the streets. Rather than find the nearest trash can, they took it off and flung it to the ground.
  3. No trash cans. Philly is notorious for litter which can be attributed to the lack of trash bins. Since the sanitation department is completely mafia-controlled, they could care less how dirty the city is.
  4. A conscientious rapist. While I hope this is not the case, perhaps a rapist didn’t want to infect the victim with their nasty sexually transmitted diseases.
  5. A laissez-faire attitude toward littering. This is likely the most logical explanation. As mentioned above, people in Philly tend to litter more regardless of the proximity of trash bins. Simply put, throwing trash in the streets makes it someone else’s problem.
  6. Culprit was unaware of how to dispose of a condom. Many people are idiots. Condoms do not explicitly tell you how to throw away a condom, so when all else fails, toss it in the street.
  7. Someone got caught. Perhaps the boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse came home a little too early and caught the cheater in the act. Culprit simply ran out, condom on and all, and again, whipped it into the streets as to remove any and all links to the encounter.
These are just my ideas, I happily encourage anyone to weigh in on this as I am completely dumbfounded to why this occurred.
Til next time, out..

They come in all shapes and sizes. They are in just about every city no matter how small, large, stable, etc the city is. I sometimes feel bad for them but at the same time I just can’t stand them.

There’s one gentlemen in particular who hangs out in front of the same Dunkin Donuts every morning–who always puts the same pathetic face on and acts like he’s cold. I know it sounds heartless– but its an act. His acting cold move is actually just him having the crack scratches. He mumbles nonsense to himself all day and sometimes to you as you walk by. I know its an act because people constantly buy him a coffee to ‘warm’ him up. As soon as they are out of sight he just dumps the coffee into the sewer and puts on his whole song and dance some more. Bums rely on change, not coffee apparently. I know people who bought the same guy boots, winter pants, and a warm jacket only to find out 2 days later he was back to wearing the same crap he always wears and sold that shit. You just can’t shine shit sometimes.

About 2 months ago a gentlemen accosted me on the street with this whole spiel about how he was a contractor from 30 minutes south of Atlantic City and he was installing doors or something in the city and his truck got impounded and he is a good guy and hes not on drugs and I can call the people he just installed doors for and this and that and this and so on and oh my god at least talk like you use commas please please please holy shit. I have a drug addict in my family– I know a bullshit story when I hear one. And I know how damn convincing one can be when they want something.

I genuinely felt bad for this dude. At the time I could relate, working an unpaid internship and having no money for myself to get out of a bind. When the whole 5-minute sales pitch ended in ‘I need money for a bus to Jersey can you help me out?’, is when I finally had a chance to digest his whole story and think of my rebuttal. I knew what was coming all along but the guy wouldn’t give me a chance to be like ‘umm I don’t even have money for lunch for myself today soooo good luck with your problems’. So after I explained my position and told him I couldn’t help and he really could have just saved himself 5 minutes, he hastily thanked me for listening and we parted ways.

So today I meet up with my roommate for a lunch time beverage on this slow, blizzardy day in Philadelphia. On my way back, I get accosted by a guy who I feel like I met before. You guessed it, the contractor! This time he had the same story about being near Atlantic City, his truck is impounded, he owns XYZ Construction and his phone number is blah blah and he was installing something and the assholes towed his truck and hes a good guy and I’ll give you $500 for a ride to Jersey and if not I need money for the bus I’m a good guy I’ll take your info I’ll give you the jacket off my back to hold I’ll give you $500 for your troubles you can call this person that person they’ll vouch for me etc etc etc holy fuck slow your roll. This time he also had a naaasty herpes sore on his lip and what looked like a lesion on his forehead reminiscent of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. I asked him about the last time he approached me with the same story and if he ever made it home last time. The guy got offended and was like I never come to Philly I just had work etc. I’m like OK guy if you are such a good guy then you would have changed up your sales pitch from the last time because if I did at least somewhat buy into it last time then I definitely don’t now. End of conversation.

I don’t know what his deal was. Maybe he was telling the truth but in this case, I feel like the sad sack background story is a bit tiring. There are some awesome bums who will approach you with some collateral. I met a bum that had some really cool poetry that I exchanged for some food and money at one point. I’m not a frugal prick, I just like some more bang for my buck. Hell, even if a dude carries on an interesting conversation for awhile then comes off with the sales pitch I may be inclined to fork over a little dough. My philosophy is that I don’t expect to be handed anything in life, therefore, I don’t feel obligated nor do I feel like its my responsibility to hand out money that I worked for to every asshole that begs for it. I’ll make you work for it. Fuck you if you think that’s dickish.

Anyway, if you are like me and want to avoid the awkward situation where you need a better way to tell someone you don’t have any money. See my bum liners section of the site.

Aaaand I’m out..

The lovely view from the second floor of 1334 Walnut St

So its been over a month since I’ve blogged anything and I am terribly sorry to all you OHP followers out there (if there are any?). Anyway, life is good. Maybe things aren’t pissing me off as bad as they usually do so I’ve been rather tame lately. No.. I take that back. I just don’t keep the commitment to blog my daily rants, they have been staying in my head or being written down sporadically. So again, I am going to renew my commitment to this blog and hopefully I will update it more than once a month. I’m finally over the fact that nobody reloaded my Starbucks Card .

So my gripe today is with the local news stations in Philadelphia. Specifically, Fox News Philly. Now, it is not only Fox that does this, but they are the most annoying so I will just roll with them as the primary example for this nonsense.

Whenever there is a ‘threat’ of a potential snow storm or if its actually, you know, snowing, every fucking station in the city dispatches crews to various locations in Southeast PA, Philly, and parts of South Jersey (ew). Now, I know for a fact its not the first time its ever snowed in Philadelphia and the surrounding areas. In fact, its not the second time either. I don’t know, maybe its something about living in a temperate climate or living on this particular longitude/latitude that causes this mysterious phenomenon, but history shows us that IT FUCKING SNOWS ON THE EAST COAST..

So last night I’m guide-surfing the TV around 11pm and I know that Seinfeld is usually on Fox at that time. I am aware that there is going to be some snow the next day so I kind of figured the station would be cranking it to weather reports. But I decided to play TV roulette and take my chances. Commercial. 50/50 chance Seinfeld might actually be on, considering its not fucking snowing out. Nope. Weather reports. Ok whatever, I’ll watch it and see whats up. Report says its gonna snow a little overnight, turn to rain by the morning commute, no mess until the storm hits around 7PM the following day. So naturally, I’m like what the fuck are they reporting this nonsense for if there are going to be no delays? So I go to bed planning to not get up early to avoid any delays.

Wake up this morning, what do you know? Couple fucking inches of snow, ice, complete fucking mess (see picture above). Am I surprised? Not really. But honestly, what the actual fuck were they reporting on last night? So again, I’m like whatever, flip on the morning news as usual to see the weather report and thinking maybe they will give me some actual local news and possibly some national shit, I mean, the State of the Union speech was last night so some republican blowhard would at least be mentioning it.

First off, let me just say that the “Good Day Philly” broadcast on Fox 29 usually makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs and stick bamboo shoots through my eardrums. This crew is suuuper obnoxious. You have the two anchors- Mike Jerrick (who I believe is a closet racist), and Sheinelle Jones who is somewhat tolerable. Then you have the field reporters which drive me absolutely insane. When it snows they send out all of their reporters. One goes to Cherry Hill, NJ. Another to somewhere in South Philly or the Northeast. One goes to a suburb somewhere, say Media, and so on.

So Ok. Its snowing. I look outside, I see it. Its white, falling from the sky, looks messy. Snow. I get it. Turn the news on, all these reporters are in their various locations in the region and guess what.. ITS SNOWING THERE TOO! Oh. My. God. Stop the fucking presses. Its snowing less than 5 miles from me?! Gadzooks! And this goes on and on and on, all, fucking, morning. It alternates between the ever douchey and quite possibly the biggest cokehead reporter on TV who crawled out of some asshole in South Jersey, Steve Keeley: “Hey Mike and Sheinelle, its snowing here in Cherry Hill, look at the cars going by, take a look at this bush, there’s snow on it.. back to you in the studio” followed by another Doppler radar shot, followed by a youtube video from someone in Narberth showing their backyard, to a shot of some stupid kids playing in the snow. Etc etc etc fucking etc.

So, you may be asking, why are you so angry? People need to know that its snowing everywhere, not just in your neighborhood. They have children or relatives in those areas. Ok, that’s cool. But I’m angry because its called the NEWS. There was absolutely nothing being reported except for “look at the flakes”, “look at the road here”, “look at these viewer photos”. I have no idea what is going on in Philly other than snow. Its a pretty big fucking city for nothing else to be going on. I watch the news, because more often than not, I don’t have time to read the paper.  I would have been happy with at least one interesting news report.. but no.

In summation, we live on the east coast. It snows. Every winter, usually. We get blizzards. We get nor’easters. We. Get. Snow… Deal with it. Don’t make it into a 24-hr news spectacle because we all can put the blinds up and see it for ourselves. This shit needs to stop, and soon. If people don’t know that its snowing out and not to drive like complete ass-hats then thats their fucking problem for being the pieces of shit that they are.

…AAAAAAAnnnnddddd I’m out.. hopefully not for long tho.

There’s a bit of a chill in the air this fine Wednesday morning, the city is buzzing, and there are people sporting powder blue, red, and white jerseys all over the place…and that can only mean one thing…ITS PLAYOFF SEASON!

Armed with one of the most fearsome starting pitching rotations, a closer who looks to have finally found his groove again, a talented defense, and a group of sluggers that goes beyond the starting lineup, the Phillies are an early favorite to return to the World Series for the third consecutive season. There wasn’t even an Angelo Cataldi article in the paper this morning to try to convince me otherwise, but I eagerly await his negative input.. But I’ll have more on him in another article (although it will be a bit outdated, but still).

With the Eagles underachieving in October as usual, the Phillies give this city the rejuvenation that it so desperately deserves. This year, I won’t be so overconfident because it really paid for it dearly. There isn’t a whole lot of talk going on so I like our odds a little more this year. I will sit back quietly and roll with the punches until theres another sloppy late night riot in Center City. So to Roy, Roy, Cole, Jimmy, Shane, Ryan, Chase, Carlos, Placido, Jayson, Brad, Raul, and the rest of the Phils, let’s get one in Harry’s memory!

Oh boy, I feel like its the day before Christmas. Football season officially kicks off tomorrow night and I cannot wait, its my favorite time of the year. If you do not know about my gripe with the “voice of the Philadelphia sports fan”–please see my older posts. This is just an extension of said rant.. so hear goes!

Doucheturd’s official prediction for the Eagles 2010 campaign: 9-7. That’s quite an optimistic prediction from the son of Satan. “Kolb will be fine — better than Donovan McNabb”. I LOLed on the train at that one. No surprises there.
He also claims that Andy Reidhasn’t positioned his Eagles to exploit a soft, early schedule and he hasn’t developed an offensive line worthy of the talent surrounding it.” That still remains to be seen. With Stacy Andrews worthless ass being shipped to Seattle for a box of crackerjacks and a ham sandwich, I think the O-line is actually in good shape to protect Kolb and open some decent holes for Shady. The Andrews brothers were a $75 million dollar cancer that has finally been purged from our team.

Two question marks on the O-line. The play of LT Jason Peters* who had a sloppy season last year (and not to mention gets at least 2 holds a game in Madden’11), and how moving Nick Cole* to RG will play out with the addition of Reggie Wells* who we picked up last week. Otherwise, it looks like Todd Herremans* and Jamaal Jackson* should shore things up on the inside, provided that they are indeed healthy again. I have nothing but good hopes for RT Winston Justice* who has much improved over the years as well.
(*= indicates that doucheturd labeled them as a “worrisome….hodgepodge of mediocrities”.. and that they all “stink”) — For the Record.

Doucheturd then goes on to bitch about how we didn’t play our starters in the last pre-season game, leaving our players vulnerable to weaker teams earlier in the first half of the season (Detroit, Jacksonville, Washington, SF, and Tennessee). Yeah… like that matters. We’ll see how that plays out. Doucheturd predicts 9 victories, and another trip to the playoffs…barely.

Enough of doucher.. My prediction? 12-4. I’m thinking its going to be more-feared than last season’s 11-5 campaign, because the team is much different without McNabb and a young group of players. Solid season from Kolb, a few bumps in the road, but a we will win the games that we are supposed to win and cruise into the playoffs.

So stay tuned football fans — kickoff is right around the corner and I, for one, cannot wait!! Hey doucheturd: I’m gunning for the right to call myself “the voice of the REAL Philadelphia sports fan”. You don’t deserve it! Good Day!