Hey again! After a long hiatus, I’m back. Let’s see how this goes..
So, you woke up this morning, you reek of day-old Axe body spray, there’s a half eaten bagel bite face-down on the sheets, but you had a fucking awesome time with your bro’s last night, so that’s all that matters anyway…right?!
You turn on the news and see its going to be an unseasonably warm December day. Wow, what a treat! I mean, days like this only come like, 5 months out of the year. But hey, summer is over, and you haven’t quite gotten around to putting those cargo shorts away for the long winter. You knew this day would come, you just fucking knew it would.
That day where you could say “fuck it” to the world. Throw your middle finger at every rational thinking human being who dressed appropriate today, because after all, summers still aren’t 40 degrees in the early-morning/late-evening hours. But hey, you make the rules, and who gives a shit about rules.
Yes, that’s right. Spray another layer of Axe, pull out those wrinkly khaki cargo shorts that you haven’t worn since that “sick” Skrillex concert, spray some wrinkle-reducer on your finest plaid and/or Polo shirt, throw on a respectable backwards cap of some school that you’ve probably never even set foot on, and you are ready to make some females tremble in their pants from excitement! Nothing says “I’m dressed for any occasion”, quite like you.
While I’m not the most fashionable male out there, I do recognize the absurdity of bro-fashion. You can spot them a mile away in the summer, and in the right conditions, from 10 miles away in the winter. Nothing screams “douche” more than cargo shorts and a plaid/Polo shirt (not even people who imitate/idolize the Jersey Shore characters), but especially in the fucking winter.
This type of fashion can only be described as the “Pittsburgh Male Syndrome”. I coined this term after several years of intense research while traveling to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, or I as presume, “The Bro Capital of the US”. Every knuckle-dragging, Miller Lite guzzling, mouthbreating, Big Ben supporting “Yinzer” follows this universal code for fashion: Cargo + Plaid (or Polo) = Sex(?) I’m still trying to figure out the solution, hence the question mark. Is it simply lazy fashion, or have people devolved into some kind of disgusting light beer swigging race of useless breeders hellbent on reproducing an entire race of jackass primates and Steelers fans? I hope not..
In conclusion, I know it is hard to resist the urge to dust off the cargo’s during an Indian Summer, but just don’t do it. Go back to wearing visors or backwards pants some other god-awful mindless trend. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio can make that style look good. So do us all a favor and just fucking dress warm in December, you douchers. Otherwise, people will think you’re from Pittsburgh or something..